As if sharks, snakes and spiders weren’t enough to make Australia a dangerous place to live, the legend of the bunyip brought turgidly to life in RED BILLABONG makes the continent downright uninhabitable.

This cannibalised creature feature stolen from Dreamtime mythology plays like an episode of Home and Away with creaky dialogue, pat characterisation, and generic cliché.

In the pre title sequence, Col Elliott, the blue comedian, plays Grandpa, a crypto zoologist. No laughs, which for a comedian, is death, and so Grandpa is dispatched.

He had the good grace to leave his property to the local indigenous people, but his grandsons are the executors of his estate and an American realtor is keen to buy the country.

Writer director costumer Luke Sparke has produced a tick the box colour by numbers genre flick that has limited appeal for general audiences.

Lugubrious pacing holds out the one genuine shock money shot till the forty minute mark and then the beast lumbers on for another hundred minutes of mind numbingly thrill-less narrative.

The bunyip laughably resembles a sharp toothed cane toad on steroids and the actors seem more terrified of getting a splinter from the wooden script than the horror from the billabong.

On the plus side, Felix Williamson’s American realtor shows the rest of the male cast how it’s done, and Emily Joy lives up to her name in her portrayal of Kate, with some sorely needed light relief.

Andrew Conder’s cinematography is sharp and clear and elevates the pictorial well above the verbal narrative.

RED BILLABONG is as murky as dirty bong water and as empty as a billy run dry.